Hello Darling

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Hello Darling

Post by DokiDoki on Mon Feb 29, 2016 4:55 pm

Hey there, Doki is ready to be judged c:

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DokiDoki

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Re: Hello Darling

Post by Menel on Mon Feb 29, 2016 7:56 pm

I'd just like to say before I get started that I am AMAZED at how much detail you put into this. It was a real pleasure to see how much time you took to explain each thing and I can tell how much work you put into putting this together.

There were a few spelling errors and such (no biggie!) I'll run over them quickly as I go through so that you can make the alterations real quick.

Firstly Skills - you make this note right off the bat:
All skills can only be activated within shadows in immediate area. Max 20 feet radius from Doki: he can not active any techniques on the shadows of living creatures (other people or animals. They must stem from his own shadow or an extension of his shadow (I.E if he was standing in the shadow of a building)

However his later skills do actually sometimes involve the use of other's shadows. With some of the skills you make notes that he has to have his own shadow touching theirs, and in others you don't. --- I actually have a shadow-using character myself and I honestly think that the maximum range (which I would actually extend to 30ft as that's a standard measurement) is more than enough of a limitation on his ability to use shadows. If you'd like to note that his skills are stronger if his own shadow comes into contact with one he's manipulating that would actually be a cool character-unique way of emphasizing his skills (though depending on how you want to do that, you might need a 'passive' skill for it) --- That way you only have to make the note about his range here and you have a little less to explain in each of the skills.
Chat noir
Trap
Time opponent is trapped is determined by strength of other character.
The amount of time an opponent is trapped is determined by the strength of that character.
(Is I think what you mean here lol)
also knock-back has a dash in it <3
Luck in the shadows.
Illusion
Can creatue duplicates of objects from their shadow.
*create
Copy's will look like the real object but with a slightly darker sheen. Anyone who is very magically inclined will notice the difference instantly, but for others who are not it is almost undetectable.
The Copy can continue to exist within cast radius (20 feet) He can only copy one object at a time. Originals will not cast a shadow until he releases the copy.
I would suggest slightly altering this wording so that rather than saying that someone would need to be very magically inclined to notice the difference that they would have to be very observant. Particularly since the way you describe how the copy would be different from the original talks mostly about how it looks (having a darker sheen).

- I really like the example you give on the complexity of the item being copied. I am curious though what would be the absolutely most complex thing he could copy (handcuffs?).
also "askew" is misspelled <3
The Night Eternal
Illusion
As Doki is the one forming these nightmarish visions I think it would be good to note that somewhere in the skill. Thus Doki would be able to say cause a vision of a shadowy dragon eating someone - but not to say replay their deepest darkest fears which he might well have no way of knowing (though if he did for some reason know then of course he could).

Personality:

He has only ever know a life of servitude that has conditioned him to be obideant and to do as he is told. He is very naive about the world outside of slave trading and maintaining the home or estates of the wealthy.
*obedient
The two dominate voices in his head he refuses to name and only mentally refers to them at 1(east) and 7(west).
*as

History:

(there is a hide function showing :"D)
The mother was kinder than most, never treated him with gratitude or real kindness but a sort of pity. She taught him to read and wright.
*write
He has passed through the hands of a many different families and slavers throughout the different cities on the continent; but was most recently owned by a family in Roa, servering at the property of a Mister Geralt. He was with the Geralt estate for a little over a year.
*serving
For a long time he was concerned there would come a time when a family or slaver couldn't even pay people to take him. Her was concerned for a time when maybe he could become truely worthless and conciquently killed.
*truly *consequently
In a very recent and accedenal seres of events Doki has had an opportunity to never have that happen.
*accidental *series
I would actually rephrase this slightly to say:
In a very recent and accidental series of events Doki had an opportunity to ensure that would never happen.
Heron, a man Doki had never met, rescued him and aided Doki in an escape out of the city and into hiding elsewhere in Maquina.
(there should be a space before Heron's name - sometimes when coding the space gets swallowed by the link :"D)
He may have even taken up Herons offer to be smuggled to Vida had he not assessed the risk of capture to high and chickened out.
the risk of capture *too high

Sorry about the wall of text there! Honestly we don't actually expect your grammar and spelling to be perfect but at least for your character sheet everything being easy to read is a nice bonus.

As far as mechanics go aside from what I mentioned above I think that he looks fantastic though as always this is pending the final decision of our beloved overlord I mean Jay u.u

Thank you very much for all your time and effort on this!

red heart red heart red heart


-Elm

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for.

You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for.




You know it's true.

Daed * Kol * Salina * Samael * Shizin
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Re: Hello Darling

Post by DokiDoki on Tue Mar 01, 2016 12:29 pm

Again, thanks a bunch for all of this c:
I appreciate the time you took and your advise. I made some changes <3
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Re: Hello Darling

Post by Menel on Tue Mar 01, 2016 12:45 pm

Np! It's my pleasure!

I double-checked the profile and everything looks good! All you need now is Jay's okay, she may find something I missed or have questions of her own but on my end you're GTG red heart

Thank you for changing all of that and for doing it so quickly!!! red heart red heart red heart


-Elm

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for.

You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for.




You know it's true.

Daed * Kol * Salina * Samael * Shizin
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Re: Hello Darling

Post by Aziel on Tue Mar 01, 2016 9:53 pm

Elm did a fantastic job in helping you edit, and Doki is a great character, Sadoh! Precious goblin child is approved. purple heart


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Re: Hello Darling

Post by DokiDoki on Tue Mar 01, 2016 10:33 pm

Thank you!
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Re: Hello Darling

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